friends...

Laying in bed thinking about stupid stuff in life... I come to the realization "the less friends you have, the harder it is to get hurt" ...maybe that's why I like to keep to myself lately... I have become so afraid of getting hurt...

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An easter vent

You ever have those days that just are shitty... well its 2am and i can tell today is already going to be a shitty day... my internet is cutting out and i am on a skype date with the bf. and I was hoping to have a nice night conversing and having flirtatious talk... but its just kind of awkward silence and me asking things and him giving simple answers and not asking anything back... its loads of fun... not really. And now I am all frazzled and am not going to be able to go to sleep and I am going to have to get up for church even though i hate going to church but i cant tell mom i hate church i will be sent on a guilt trip like no other how i break her heart and blah blah blah.... whatever... im crabby... life is crabby... school sucks... what else is new.... ugh everything is miserable i just want to run away that would be nice... k night.

Trust him!!!!!

I dont know why I cant just plain and simply trust him. I feel like everything he says is only part true and he is always hiding things from me. I cant stand being away from him because I never know. This sucks, I suck, everything sucks!! I feel like my heart has been ripped out...

How far...

I think i have figured out why I am falling into another slump lately. I am emotionally exhausting myself fighting for my relationship. I know (in my head, my heart questions) that he cares for me. But he either doesnt know how to show it, is afraid to, or chooses not to, and this leaves me to fight and make an effort for the both of us to keep it going and its just getting hard. I dont want to fight anymore, cant do this. "How Far" by Martina McBride explains where I am at perfectly. I just want to walk away and leave it to him to decide how far I go. I want to make this work so much it hurts but I just cant keep on living with the way things are. There is also a quote that has been bouncing around in my head that scares me. "If someone makes you miserable, it doesn't matter how much you love them, you need to let go."

Is it love?

I dont know how I am feeling about my relationship right now. When we are together everything is perfect. But the majority of the time we are apart, I dont feel wanted at all. Maybe I just want too much from him.... I want someone that sends me sweet nothings randomly, someone that will send me a song that reminds them of me, someone that randomly spills their heart to me about how much they care about me. Sigh... ive had it before, and took it for granted.
Im also having identity issues. I thought i would be happier after making my choice... in a sense I am, but only when I am with him. otherwise I dont know who I have become. I used to be the fun spunky kid running around all the time with too many things to do, now all i want to do is sit in my room. I hate myself for it. I dont even feel like me anymore. Part of me just wants to go back to before everything happened...FML

Worst Valentines Day EVER!

Ugh! Last night I went and surprised the BF for his birthday at his house and didnt get back to school till about 1am. Then I went to classes and such and work at one job from 2-5 and then my other job 530-9... FML I am so tired. I just want to curl up and sleep or see my bf! Its valentines day and I have the most amazing boyfriend ever. I should be having a good day... Contradictory to that is last night i found a message i had never read on my facebook from his last fling who was a cray cray and it was not a pleasant note we will say that much. But it made me think things i was getting over again.. hmmm... I just have to throw my hands up and let fate take me where I am supposed to go. Thats my new philosopy.

Building myself up to be let down...

UGH!! I hate myself! This weekend I am going to my cabin with the bf for his birthday and valentines day. I am super excited to give him his presents and to be with him alone for the weekend. He got me a valentines present and said it was for birthday too which is a month away, so clearly it is expensive... I thought for sure it was a promise ring that I am dieing for. But in his anticipation he was playing with it and teasing me over skype tonight and i caught glimpses and could hear it. it is either a necklace or a bracelet... I will love the gift no matter what, but i went and got my hopes up for a ring and am now upset. I am totally being your stereotypical spoiled (in the movies, girlfriend) boyfriend right now... :( ugh... maybe its good that I get the disappointment out now rather than on friday when we are to be having a good time...