friends...

Laying in bed thinking about stupid stuff in life... I come to the realization "the less friends you have, the harder it is to get hurt" ...maybe that's why I like to keep to myself lately... I have become so afraid of getting hurt...

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An easter vent

You ever have those days that just are shitty... well its 2am and i can tell today is already going to be a shitty day... my internet is cutting out and i am on a skype date with the bf. and I was hoping to have a nice night conversing and having flirtatious talk... but its just kind of awkward silence and me asking things and him giving simple answers and not asking anything back... its loads of fun... not really. And now I am all frazzled and am not going to be able to go to sleep and I am going to have to get up for church even though i hate going to church but i cant tell mom i hate church i will be sent on a guilt trip like no other how i break her heart and blah blah blah.... whatever... im crabby... life is crabby... school sucks... what else is new.... ugh everything is miserable i just want to run away that would be nice... k night.

Trust him!!!!!

I dont know why I cant just plain and simply trust him. I feel like everything he says is only part true and he is always hiding things from me. I cant stand being away from him because I never know. This sucks, I suck, everything sucks!! I feel like my heart has been ripped out...

How far...

I think i have figured out why I am falling into another slump lately. I am emotionally exhausting myself fighting for my relationship. I know (in my head, my heart questions) that he cares for me. But he either doesnt know how to show it, is afraid to, or chooses not to, and this leaves me to fight and make an effort for the both of us to keep it going and its just getting hard. I dont want to fight anymore, cant do this. "How Far" by Martina McBride explains where I am at perfectly. I just want to walk away and leave it to him to decide how far I go. I want to make this work so much it hurts but I just cant keep on living with the way things are. There is also a quote that has been bouncing around in my head that scares me. "If someone makes you miserable, it doesn't matter how much you love them, you need to let go."

Is it love?

I dont know how I am feeling about my relationship right now. When we are together everything is perfect. But the majority of the time we are apart, I dont feel wanted at all. Maybe I just want too much from him.... I want someone that sends me sweet nothings randomly, someone that will send me a song that reminds them of me, someone that randomly spills their heart to me about how much they care about me. Sigh... ive had it before, and took it for granted.
Im also having identity issues. I thought i would be happier after making my choice... in a sense I am, but only when I am with him. otherwise I dont know who I have become. I used to be the fun spunky kid running around all the time with too many things to do, now all i want to do is sit in my room. I hate myself for it. I dont even feel like me anymore. Part of me just wants to go back to before everything happened...FML

Worst Valentines Day EVER!

Ugh! Last night I went and surprised the BF for his birthday at his house and didnt get back to school till about 1am. Then I went to classes and such and work at one job from 2-5 and then my other job 530-9... FML I am so tired. I just want to curl up and sleep or see my bf! Its valentines day and I have the most amazing boyfriend ever. I should be having a good day... Contradictory to that is last night i found a message i had never read on my facebook from his last fling who was a cray cray and it was not a pleasant note we will say that much. But it made me think things i was getting over again.. hmmm... I just have to throw my hands up and let fate take me where I am supposed to go. Thats my new philosopy.

Building myself up to be let down...

UGH!! I hate myself! This weekend I am going to my cabin with the bf for his birthday and valentines day. I am super excited to give him his presents and to be with him alone for the weekend. He got me a valentines present and said it was for birthday too which is a month away, so clearly it is expensive... I thought for sure it was a promise ring that I am dieing for. But in his anticipation he was playing with it and teasing me over skype tonight and i caught glimpses and could hear it. it is either a necklace or a bracelet... I will love the gift no matter what, but i went and got my hopes up for a ring and am now upset. I am totally being your stereotypical spoiled (in the movies, girlfriend) boyfriend right now... :( ugh... maybe its good that I get the disappointment out now rather than on friday when we are to be having a good time...

ideas as to my problem

So here I am again... thinking about eveything and I have come to the conclusion for the source of my insecurities. I don't feel loved, i feel used. I feel like he only outs into this relationship when he is with me. We have barely talked all day because I am tired of starting all the conversations and wanted to are if he really does like talking to me or just responds to my things... well I bet u can all see how that played out...

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been good...

Well I haven't posted in a while so things must have been going good. I found a way to cope with the bf being away but it didn't seem to work at all today. I'm not as bad as I have been but I still feel shitty today. Don't really want to see anyone, just want to lay down and watch a movie. Ugh... but now I am at work so maybe this will keep my mind busy for a while... I hope. Tomorrow is Friday so hopefully the weekend will be good. Rawr! <--- that's what I do when I'm frustrated.

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UGhhhh I am in for quiet the day...

Nothing like starting the early afternoon in tears... Had a fantastic past few days with the bf and now I had to come to rehearsal and he is in my room waiting to see another friend. He leaves later but i wont get to see him as long as I would like. Classes start tomorrow and I dont want to even go to college anymore. Its way to stressful emotionally, mentally, and on the bank. I just want to move and be closer to him. I am extremely anxious all the time without him and it is the worst feeling in the entire world. I have no drive whatsoever to do anything when he is not here. I am completely and udderly miserable. I do a fair job at putting on a good face for everyone but it is almost always the same inside. Usually we have a good idea of when the next time he will be able to visit is and this time I dont think we have any idea. It might not be until the third week in February which is going to be a problem.

Someone explain to me

How is it possible that a grandmother can be the nastiest person you know? My grandma on my moms side was an absolute saint and I have a permanent reminder of that on my shoulder. However, my grandma on my dads side is a wicked sick and twisted woman. She emailed my sister this morning out of the blue... "why don't u have ur last name on facbook (yes my grandma is a facebook addict, and my sister has her middle name) are you ashamed of this family? No one has heard from you in weeks. We understand you have been going through a lot (recently broke off engagement) but that is reason to osterzie the family." And that is all I remember from what she told me. She then posted in a family group that some members of the family she hasn't heard from in a while and has been blocked by some (that would probably be me but I deleted it to hide from this kind of thing) this is not the first nasty email my sister has received. I got one once asking why I didn't have my dad listed as my father on facebook and that she hopes no one ever treats me like that or forgets about me...I had to explain that dad doesn't have a facebook so I can't list him. Did I also mention when my saint grandma was in a car accident that put her in a wheelchair for the rest of her life, this grandma who worked in the hospital went to her room shut off her physical therapy machine, proceeded to yell at her for reasons I don't know, and left. I have lost complete respect for my grandma, and don't plan on attending any more family gathering with my dads side of the family, there is more drama in them than a highschool.

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today is going to be a horrible day...

OMG... could today have started any worse? Left early and got lost trying to get to my appointment and got all worked up (ironic right?) And I finally made it and my appointment isn't till one which means I didn't have to be here till 1230. So I have to sit here for 45 minutes, then do paper work, then I get to do my feel better thing... I thought these things were supposed to make you less stressed and upset? Fhryjdyhredjhrfjedyhrfedj(<--- that's code for I'm frustrated and need to scream)

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Today was well... horrible

Whats another day of an aching heart? What another day of tossing trust out the window? Only this time, it wasnt a secret being told...it was a straight out blatant lie...my favorite kind! i never thought i would actually see one so bad! Last night after watching a very good movie. "Lifted" (I highly recommend to anyone and everyone!) the bf was in tears (we were skyping) and he was laughing at his phone and he said _____ (best friend) was trying to make him laugh because she saw his facebook status... Funny thing. Today I saw her and on my way out the door i recommenced they watch the movie and i said but im sure u know how it goes. She looked at me puzzled, i said u were cheerin _____ up last night when he was upset. She proceeded to tell me that she had not talked to him since yesterday morning..... hmmm? And there went the last bit of trust I had for him. and here I am at 2am trying to figure out how to make it better... wait? isnt that his job since he made the mess? Oh well, i am used to it by now. I love him more than anything and cant imagine life without him, but i cant stay if this keeps up. His gf, who is also a close friend of mine was consoling me in my sloppy mess state after i called him about it. Which went as follows. "Hey" "Hey" "who were you giggling to last night when you were texting?" "Why?" (<---thats where i think he knew he was screwed) "who" "it was ____" "Oh, thats funny because i just left there and she hasnt talked to you since yesterday morning" "weird"(<--Really?) "hmm, yeah that is weird, ok bye" *click* ..... anyway she was telling me he is afraid to tell me things because he doesnt want to hurt me. but she has never seen him happier with anyone else and if she expected anything (implying cheating which for the record i dont believe he would do) she would let me know. and that the other morning when i slept let he called her in a panic asking if she had talked to me because he thought i was ignoring her. So at least I know he cares... but why cant he care enough to tell me the truth? I think not to hurt me is a terrible excuse considering i have explained to him that I would rather be upset or angry about something for a time, than be lied to. I can get over things fairly quickly, but i cant just give my trust back after a few days, it doesnt work that way. He is coming to visit for a few days tomorrow (well today) so i hope things arent as tense and awkward as they are right now, and I hope my first therapy session tomorrow helps because this blog only does so much.........  

Tomorrow is the day!

Made my appointment with a counselor tomorrow... pretty excited actually. Going to need it after another tragic heart breaking day. I dont know what to do. I hate being lied to, especially by the one i love the most. People have their heart broken all the time, but I dont think some of the people really know what real heart break feels until it actually happens, but when it does you will know.

The Jealousy will drive you maaad

yessss a moulin rouge quote. And it is sooo true. I have never been a jealous person before, but now I am so beside myself with how jealous I get. My stomach drops and i feel sick because I get so worked up over stupid things and it is miserable. Mom told be me she is trying to find someone for me so hopefully that will help me figure some things out and get my head on straight so I dont have to feel like this anymore.... pray that it works and it happens soon!

I hate how I feel...

I never used to be a jealous person. But I always feel like i come second to his best friend... now mind you she is the reason we are together because i go to school with her. I am so uneasy when he talks to her, especially since our last little situation. I dont like being talked about, and i dont entirely trust her. She has this hold on him i dont like, i feel like he is whipped by her. And now I am sitting here so upset once again and I can bring myself to say anything to him because I do not want to fall back, we are just starting to get over the other day... siiiiigghh..... why is this so hard :( I just want to be happy again....

Swallowed my pride

Well, I emailed the mother today and told her to set something up with a counselor for me. I am swallowing my pride and admitting I need the help. So we will see how this goes...

Nearing Rock Bottom

I dont know how much longer I can keep this up. I feel completely empty inside...I just want to scream. I am constantly on edge picking at myself and it sucks. I dont know what to do with myself anymore. I am basically on auto pilot in social events, I put on my happy face and no one seems to notice. I have never felt so low in my entire life, im thinking things I have never thought and never want to think about.

Still dont feel right...

Went down to see the bf today in hopes that it would make me feel better and help me get over last nights event...alas...it didn't work. This worries me. I do not doubt me feelings for him but I feel like I don't know him, I always feel like he is hiding things. There are some very unsettling things that always bother me and I have talked to him about, but he claims it is nothing. I just wish I could completely and whole heartedly trust him. I usually get over issues in a short time but I am still hurting from the last night pretty bad...

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One Person, thats all I ask

Just one person I can trust with everything would be great. I have never felt so betrayed in my life. I told the bf only a few things I wanted kept between us. And he always tells his best girlfriend. But now he told something over the line. One thing, one major thing that I felt sacred and between us. I am completely heartbroken right now. Writing on here is not even helping. I am just beside myself on this feeling... I feel like i am going to throw up, I can never seem to cry when I feel like it... im shaking...

Anxious...

I am not even sure if I use the right word when I say I am anxious... But today is per say a good day... but i hate how I feel. I feel like I should be somewhere or doing something when I have nothing to do, and I keep pacing and just want to tear my hair out! I dont know what to do with myself and it is just torture. I have shortness of breath and feel like I just need to lay down and relax and I cant because I have not left my room! I have been being lazy all day so far! and that is the most frustrating part! I just wanna screaaaaam!

Gonna Be A Loooong Day!

Oh man, the bf gets his wisdom teeth out today (its after midnight) and soo I am not going to be able to talk to him for like the whole day! Its gonna suck, yeah I am needy but I am head over it. And he loves it too so its fine :P. Pray for a safe and speedy recovery! Hopefully I will be able to go visit him friday but this winter storm coming needs to call it quits sooner so that the roads are not bad :( I need to see him, he started crying on skype tonight cause he misses me... I love how sensitive he is and wish I could cry. It is the worst feeling wanting to cry more than anything, but you simply cant... Well wish me look, and goodnight, or goodmorning?

RAWR! You ruined my night!

Well only 49 minutes from an entirely good day, only to be ruined by a "friend." Someone claimed I was too good for anyone in the room as a joking matter, but gave me a look because this person claims that I only talk to my bf and withdraw from everyone. Sorry, I am not you are not my only friend... but I hang out with other people too. Then to go with the joke anyway I said no one is good enough for me and this person retorts "oh I think I can name one." Maybe i am just being to sensitive, or maybe it hurts more because the insults or whatever you want to call them come from someone I am close to. blaaaaahhhh.....

No Posts Are Good Posts

Well today was a good day! Nothing exciting happened but I felt good all day! So that is a plus! Now I am just sitting down with a bunch of friends and watching bridesmaids!

A Cry For Help

So this whole blog this was supposed to be fun, but it is turned more into a place for me to just vent my emotions and prevent myself from taking it out on someone else. I know I need help, medical help. I am not who I used to be. I never want to do anything or go anywhere, I just sit around and mope to myself and watch movies all day. I know I need the help but I dont want to go, I keep denying myself that I need it or I am just too proud. My mom has been begging me to go to a counselor but I dont want to, I just want some medicine or something that will make me feel better, less depressed all the time. And i cant ask her to do that for me because she would make me go to a counselor. Why must everything be so difficult. I send out these subliminal crys to the bf but he never seems to catch them, i wish he could see that and I dont want to just oust all my sorrows to him because I feel like i burden him enough and dont want to make him feel bad or bring down his feelings. It is nice to finally have this outlet though and pretend that there are people out there that might read this. It would be wonderful if someone did find this, someone that could give me some advice...

Update: So i just posted this and need to vent one more time. He asked me if I was ok! Finally!! what I have been looking for. I said "im fine" which usually translates to "no not really but I am going to pretend to be ok" and he says "k" Why cant I just tell him I am upset!? Why cant I just be a happy person and talk about my feelings with people!?

Mom issues #1

My mom is sooo frustrating! She called me and I was talking quietly cause my roomate is not feeling well, so she has to jump down my throat and asks if my bf is here. What the fuck does it matter to you!? I am a big boy and dont have school. If I want to have him here I will. I know she is hoping that I will have some revelation and go straight again. But honestly what parent wouldnt want that i know but still, she doesnt have to make it so obvious. Then she is all down my throat about working and getting another job (I already have 2 while attending school full time when it starts). I understand I need to pay for school, but I need to have some me time to and some time for fun. aldhfbkhruqbgib She really knows how to ruin my mood!! She wonders why I hate going home! All she ever wants to do is talk and pick me apart and see how I am doing which just frustrates me and make me resent home even more. I wish my family was more like my bf's, I love his whole family they are wonderful people and do things together all the time! HMPH.... ok I think I am done ranting for a while...

Dark Rooms

Blahh... You think I would know by now that it is not healthy to sit in my room alone in the dark. It just makes me all depressed. All I want to do now is sit and sleep and watch Vampire Diaries. But I have to go to musical rehearsal at 6-10...sick. The BF scheduled his classes today and that is downer as well. Last semester he took off so he could come here whenever he/I wanted and it was wonderful. I am so happy that he is going to school for an education dont get me wrong, I just hope I still get to see him enough. And now we will have different spring breaks so we wont be able to spend that week together like we planned... oh well i guess, such is a life. A series of let downs.
On the brighter side I will hopefully be seeing him next weekend! A bunch of us might go see "The Devil Inside" I loooove scare movies, and he hates them so it is perfect! Nothing better than the feeling of being wanted or needed as your significant other looks to you for protection and comfort.

Its the greatest!

Nothing like a late night skype to make you forget about the bad day you had! When I see his face it is like nothing happened. It may be corny, but everything else seems to disappear. It is such a wonderful feeling.  There is nothing better than going to bed absolutely happy, the only thing that could make it better is if he were here. But we make due with what we have. Someday I hope to wake up to his face every morning!

Told you this was going to be my vent place so I write it as it comes! So many posts already haha!

Pet Peeve #2

Dont you hate it when someone brings up something you just got over? Or brings up old skeletons that you dont care to remember? Those things that just crash your mood like a train into a semi? SO FRUSTRATING! They dont mean to do it most of the time but is still like really? Really right now? UGH! Then you cant help but feel angry then your mind begins to race and your day is ruined!

Pet Peeve #1

It is super selfish of me but I often find myself angered when people are having more fun than I am, at least close friends. It is completely ridiculous but I often can not help myself. If I see something on facebook or twitter or similar I find myself very jealous, unless I myself am having fun too, which is rarely the case now-a-days. Often because I have a hard time having fun without my boyfriend here which is a problem in itself that I am aware of, I know I need some help such as therapy or depression meds or something. A lot of the times it is my boyfriend that does it, again I think I am kind of crazy and hoping this is just new love? I want to be the only one that makes him happy... I am pretty sure I am crazy! Sooooo.... there is my pet peeve #1 I am sure this will not be the last
Might I just add that this is already making my life a lot better and less stressful and it has been, what? an hour since I made the thing? Accomplishing two things I have wanted, a place to vent and a blog I can look back on!

Hello!

Well, I always say I am going to make a blog and now I am going to make one. So my first post will be a bit about me. I recently came out into the gay world and have a great boyfriend. This place is going to be a place for me to vent and let things out to the world! I am going through a lot and in a distance relationship but I am going to make it work no matter what I have to do! I am going to be completely honest with my days on here and dont care who sees it!
With coming out I learned a lot about my self. I have learned what true happiness is, and that I feel I have been living in a false happiness, I was always trying to make everyone happy and living off of that but not really taking time for my self. So I found my happiness in my boyfriend but it comes with the trials of finding out what it feels like to be depressed because I have always had everyone I needed a short drive away. Granted it is only an hour and a half drive when I am at school it is still hard.
I think that is all I have for now! I hope I get some viewers!